In the Quran, Allah (swt) addresses all believers, saying: "O you who have believed, save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels, stern (and) severe, who do not disobey Allah in what He orders them and (who) do (precisely) what they are commanded." Surat at Tahreem, 66:6.

It is related that the Prophet (s) said: "All of you are shepherds, and each one is responsible for his flock. A leader of people is a shepherd and responsible for them. A man is like a shepherd over his family, and he is responsible for his flock. A woman is like a shepherd over her husband’s house and children, and she is responsible for them. And a slave is a guardian of his master’s property and is responsible for it. So all of you are guardians and are responsible for your charges."

From the Quranic verse and the Prophetic hadith we understand that parenting is a serious responsibility that must be fulfilled. The responsibility has been described as that of a shepherd, just as a shepherd must be careful of the well-being of his flock, parents must be constantly alert, taking care that their children do not stray and fall victim to the wolves. This is a tremendous challenge, and for us living in non-Islamic environments the challenges are multiplied. Our children are faced with the real threat of loosing their Islamic identity. The possibility of this happening will only be avoided if we raise our children in accordance with the Quran and teachings of the Prophet (s).

It is not enough to merely teach and practice the Islamic ideals and ethics at home, parents must do their utmost to ensure that the school environment and their children’s friends also share the same ideals. Let us examine the responsibilities of parents in order to ensure that children’s rights are fulfilled.

The responsibility begins with choosing a righteous wife. A Muslim must choose a virtuous wife, remembering that he is choosing a mother to raise his children. Allah instructs us in the Quran: "And do not marry polytheistic women until they believe." Al Baqarah, 2:221. The Prophet (s) is also reported to have said: "The choicest blessing of this world is a virtuous wife."

Allah (swt) has honored women and chosen them as the means by which human life is nurtured. Through marriage, Islam protects the rights of men, women and children while satisfying the physical, emotional and intellectual needs of all family members. After marriage, Muslim couples are inspired to bring up their families in righteousness. We pray: "Our Lord, bestow upon us from among our wives and offspring those who will be a comfort to our eyes, and make us leaders for the pious."

On intercourse, it is reported that the Prophet (s) said: "If anyone among you intends to go to his wife, he should say, ‘In the name of Allah, O Allah, protect us from Shaytan and keep Shaytan away from that which You have bestowed upon us.’ " In this hadith the Prophet (s) teaches us to seek Allah’s protection for the child from shaytan even before the child is conceived.

When the child is born, a good name should be chosen. For example, ibn Umar (ra) reported that his father, Umar (ra) had a daughter named ‘Aasiyah (disobedient). The Prophet (s) however, named her Jameelah (beautiful). The most loved names to Allah are Abdullah and Abdurahman and the names of the prophets. It is also Islamic practice to include the father’s name as part of the child’s name. This indicates the genealogical relationship. Allah (swt) says in the Quran: "Call them by the names of their fathers. That is more just in the sight of Allah. But if you do not know their fathers’ (names, call them) your brothers in faith or your freed slaves." Al Ahzab, 33:5.

It is also part of the sunnah to recite the athan in the right ear of the new born and the iqaamah in the left ear.

The Prophet (s) also instructed: "Fear Allah and act with equality between your children". This clearly indicates that older siblings are not given preference over younger ones, nor are boys preferred over girls.

The responsibilities of parents continues as is explained in the following verse: "And the mothers shall breast-feed their children for two full years, for those desiring to complete the (limit of the term of) breast feeding, and the feeding and clothing of them rests upon the father, in a suitable manner. No soul is burdened beyond its means: a mother shall not be injured because of her child nor the father because of his child, and on the (father’s) heir rests the like of that (which was an obligation for the father). Then, if they desire to wean the child by mutual consultation, there is no sin upon them; and if you desire to give your children to a wet nurse, there is no sin upon you, provided that you pay (the wet nurse) what is due from you in a suitable manner. And be mindful of Allah, and know that Allah is Seer of whatever you do." Q2:233.

This verse establishes several important principles pertaining to the parents’ responsibility for children:

* Mothers are encouraged to nurse (breastfeed) their children. This is seen as an extension of the pregnancy. From this we deduce that the mother is the primary caregiver of the child whenever possible. If for some reason the mother cannot nurse the child herself, it is permissible to employ a wet nurse who takes on the status of foster mother.

* This verse clearly makes fathers responsible for providing for their children. The man is obliged to take the final responsibility for the welfare of his family members and to provide the means of obtaining food, clothing, shelter and other needs both for his wife and children. These are the rights and responsibilities given to the father. The verse (2:228) states that men have a degree over them (women), this degree is the responsibility and authority that the father is charged with. This responsibility allocates to the husband the headship of the family unit and the final word in decisions, since he is responsible for the welfare of the family.

* Consultation between the parents is advised for important decisions concerning the children. Fairness and reasonableness is expected. We should also keep in mind that to tread or follow a middle path is the desired norm in Islam, this must be adhered to when raising our children as well. There is no room for stinginess or extreme harshness nor extravagance and laxity.

Islam speaks about three very different stages in raising the child so that he/she becomes a good adult. This tarbiyyah happens in three 7-year stages. Tarbiyyah means to look after, nurture, nourish, help grow and flourish. It is derived from an Arabic root word which means to own, look after and cherish. The one who is responsible for tarbiyyah is a murabbi.

The three stages as understood from the saying of the Prophet (s) are: (1) the stage of play. (2) the stage of discipline and (3) the stage of friendship.

For the purpose of this talk I will look at the first stage: 0-7 years. During this stage we should play with our children. Consider him, give him all the love he needs and play with him. The Arab jahilis (ignorant) at the time were like the Catholics of the Middle Ages. They considered childhood as a stage, which should finish very quickly — particularly for the male child. The father was impatient, waiting for the boy to grow up in order to give him responsibility. They did not know how to play with or love their children. They did not know how to show affection towards their children.

As for the females, many of them were treated roughly, and many tribes used to kill their female infants. The Quran forbade this. The Arab father would take the baby girl, dig a small grave, put her in it, and bury her alive. Some Arabs used to throw the baby girl from a high mountain. This cruelty was also found in some tribes in Brazil. In China today female infanticide is rampant due to the restrictions on the number of children Chinese may have.

Islam came to change this completely. We see from our own history of the Companions of the Prophet (s) and the Prophet himself, this stage of play, of love and affection. Umar ibn Al-Khattab, who himself had killed his own infant daughter before he became Muslim, continued for the rest of his life to weep whenever he remembered it. He said: "I have two incidences in my jahilliyah, one of them when I remember it I laugh, the other one, when I remember it, I weep". He weeps when he remembers what he did to his own baby girl, and he laughs when he remembers that at one time he made for himself a little god from dates to which he prostrated. One day when he was very hungry, he ate up his idol. When he remembers this, he laughs.

The same man, after Islam, had a number of children. One day he was walking on his hands and knees like an animal and his children were riding on his back. The newly-appointed Amir of one of the Islamic sates came to visit him to take his letter of appointment. When he saw Umar crawling around with the children on his back and kissing them he said: "You kiss your children? Umar, you are the great ruler and you play with your children?" Sso Umar (ra) asked him what he did with his own children. He replied that he had never kissed any of his own ten children. "If I come into the house, the one who is playing will stop his play. The one who is sitting will stand, the one who is talking will be quiet". Umar took the letter of appointment and tore it up. "A man who does not have love and affection for his own children will never have love and affection for his subjects".

The Prophet (s) is the ideal person whom we should follow. He used to play with two of his beloved grandsons, Hassan and Hussein, and when they rode on his back he would tell them that the best of camels is the one you are riding now. At one time during the prayer, he was prostrating and continued for a very long time. The Companions became tired behind him and one of them raised one eye to look around and see what was happening. He saw one of the boys riding on the back of the Prophet while he was prostrating. After a long time he finally stood up. After the prayer, the companions enquired about what had happened. The Prophet (s) said that he did not want to disturb his grandson’s play. He waited until the boys got tired of playing and then he raised his head.

At another time the Prophet (s) came to the prayer carrying a small baby girl. Her name was Umamah (his grandaughter) and she loved him very much. She would not allow him to put her down once he was carrying her. So he carried her to the prayer. When he prostrated during his prayer he put her down and afterwards picked her up again.

Therefore, at this early age, the child needs love and affection. Affection and love towards the child is not something which affects the spiritual and psychological security only, it is physical as well.

During the war in England when everything was rationed, a very famous psychologist studied the impact of children being raised with or without their mothers. He discovered that the children who were given more food but did not have their mothers with them, weighted less and were less healthy than those who ate less, but resided with heir mothers. In addition, children at the age of 6 months or so who lost their mothers, suddenly developed severe depression.

Even though the first stage of tarbiyyah focuses on a time of play or bonding with your child, it does not mean that no teaching or learning is taking place. Although no formal learning is happening, the child is constantly learning from the examples he/she are surrounded by.

* The Prophet (s) said: "Every child is born in a natural state of goodness. It is his parents who make him into a Jew, a Christian or a Magian." As parents we must try to safeguard the fitra of the newborn and at the same enrich it by following Islamic morals and teachings.

* Strive to let the first words of your child be the kalima tawheed.

* Children often learn from example. Parents who expect their children to be disciplined and work hard must themselves be disciplined and work hard. If you want honest children, be honest yourself, show kindness and respect.

* Children should be happy and cheerful (don’t batter and terrorise them).

* Children should be trained to grow up with good attitudes and habits. The Prophet (s) said: "Akrimuu awlaadakum wa ahsinuu adabahum (Be kind and noble to your children and make their habits and manners beautiful). [A. Hamid]

* Age of 7 - start salah habit, age 10 - salah required regularly.

* Develop your children to be creative and inventive. "Give a person a fish and you feed just one person; teach a person to fish and he can then feed hundreds." (Chinese proverb)

* Correct Tarbiyyah ensures that children develop a love for Islam.

* Luqman the wise taught his son: "O my dear son, do not associate anything with Allah, truly associating anything with Allah is the most terrible wrong-doing… O my son, establish the salah. Enjoin what is good and forbid what is wrong, and be patient with whatever happens to you, surely that pertains to fixed determination. And do not turn your cheek away from people, nor walk arrogantly upon the earth, because Allah does not love any arrogant boaster. And be moderate in your pace, and lower your voice, indeed the most hateful of sounds is the braying of the donkey." (Q31:3-39)

The negative influence of TV. The relationship between TV violence and real-life violence in children is overwhelming, and the documented evidence regarding television’s negative impact is clear. "TV violence can make children not only accepting of real-life violence but more violent themselves… Many of the most widely viewed TV programs have conditioned us to believe that premarital, even extramarital, sexual relationships are perfectly all right provided they are ‘meaningful relationships’. Eighty percent of the 14,000 sexual references seen and heard annually on TV by the average child are between unmarried people…" (Rahbar, p. vii) This sort of programming leads to desensitisation of what is right. It numbs our senses and ruins our fitrah leading us to believe that it is acceptable conduct. Children have become so addicted to TV that often they prefer it to playing. Patty Rebek, director of a psychology program at De Paul University in Chicago says "Children who watch TV excessively tend to be withdrawn. They do not develop initiative because it is such a passive activity. The problem comes when they don’t do anything else - when they start missing out on other things because of TV." Children who do not watch TV will be considered "different". Certainly they will be different - happier, more communicative, productive, relaxed and responsible. Regarding this point, a study in the US has revealed that: "The average blue-collar worker spends approximately 30 hours each week watching TV; his supervisor, 25; his foremen, 20; his plant manager, 15; his vice-president, 12-15; his president, 8-12; and the CEO, 4-8, and 50% of that time is invested in watching training videos." [Rahbar]

To conclude I would like to state that parents should not rule with an iron fist. Be a caring, kind and loving companion to your children, someone that they can turn to no matter what. Always remind them of their duties and responsibilities. Reminders should be done in the best possible way, not threatening or abusive. Allah (swt) says in surat An-Nahl, verse 125: "Invite to the Way of your Lord with wisdom and fair preaching and argue with them in a way that is better..." Always try to be positive in disciplining. E.g. do not say you are a naughty/bad child for doing so and so, rather say you are a good Muslim and good Muslims do not do that.

Never give up on your children; never give up hope! Remember that Allah, Most Merciful, is always ready to accept the repentance of His slaves even when His slave is at the brink of death. Parents should therefore also be willing to forgive their children rather than condemn them. Constantly make dua for your children since the dua of a father is not denied. From a hadith it is reported that the Prophet (s) said that three supplications are answered, without doubt: "That of a father, that of a traveller, and that of one who has been wronged." (Abu Dawood cited in Tarazi, p.55)

Adopt a moderate path in whatever you do. Be patient and remember that change takes time. Change a small habit one at a time and be steady and consistent. Remember that it is better to be steady and consistent rather than over enthusiastic trying to change overnight only to go back to old practices later. The most loved action to Allah is that which is done regularly even if it is small.

Finally, always bear in mind that our children are a trust to us and a trial. Allah (swt) says in surat At Taghabun, verse 15: "Your wealth and your children are only a trial, whereas with Allah is a great reward (Paradise)." Do not allow yourself to be ruled by your children; remember that Allah and His Prophet come first.